we made out on top of his cat.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
