that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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