every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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