Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
