i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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