I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
