Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
