Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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