Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
