Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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