Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
