Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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