my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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