TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
