my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Only a mothe r could love this liver
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
