final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize