it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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