Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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