if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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