Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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