then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
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I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
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PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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