Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
