what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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