tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
