Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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