He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
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Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize