I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
