It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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