She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
