I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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