"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
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the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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