I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
