I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
