I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
