I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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