Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
