i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
