saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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