Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize