Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
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Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
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Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.