So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...