My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
