6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
