I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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