JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas