I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
