this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I FOUND THE LEGS