I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
