Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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