I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
