in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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