Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
