I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
