there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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