dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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