My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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