lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Man, jail baloney is awful.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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