Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
