It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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