I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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