nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
