What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
